FINALLY Blogging...and it only took me 8 months!

Excuses, excuses, excuses . . . there are a zillion reasons why I haven't blogged in sooooo long, but who really cares about all that. I mean really, excuses only make me feel better about being delinquent and encourage others to feel and express sympathy for my situation, which in turn also makes me feel better. So, rather than ask for pity empathy, we're gonna just sweep it all under the rug and move on. So, I hope that you're all cool with that.

Okay, well now that's all settled lets talk about something fun! And . . . I'm drawing a blank. It may have to do with the fact that it's 1 AM in the morning and my brain is shot from a busy day, or the fact that I have 4 kids under the age of 8 and my mind and body are dedicated to serving, teaching, and caring for them nearly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, year-round. To say it concisely, my life is MOTHERHOOD and I love it, I really do, but . . . sometimes I wonder where the "me" is underneath all the sippy cups, kitchen floor crumbs, potty training, endless laundry, and daily toy clean-up. Is there still a unique, individual woman, who's smart, creative, and confident? Someone who still has dreams for herself, and not just for her children?

As a youngster, I was going to do and be EVERYTHING. Life was limitless, and I was on a track for success, for something great. Not that I was so wonderful at anyone thing, but I was a very good student and had been exposed to many fabulous opportunities that broadened my abilities, and expanded my potential. At 18 I felt I could conquer the world. I was going to college to study what I was most passionate about: music, dance, and theater. I planned to travel abroad and to have amazing, exotic experiences. Then . . .

I met my husband, fell madly in love, and before I knew it, we were married and I was thrown for the first time into the REAL world--you know, the one full of adult responsibility and challenges. And just like that, I was no longer a child. Time passed and before we knew it our first daughter was born, we graduated from college, moved across the country (to Maryland, which was further away from my family than I had ever been), and joined the Military. Another daughter, another move (Georgia), then a career change (Navy to Army), followed by yet another move (Tennessee). We bought our first home, and daughter number 3 decided to surprise us 9 months later. 11 days after that my husband deployed to Iraq, leaving me with 3 children under the age of 4. I spent about 8 months of his 13 month deployment back west (Utah), where I could be closer to my family and take a few summer college courses at the good ol' BYU! Shortly after my man returned home from his overseas military service, it was time for a new adventure . . . another career change (Infantry to medicine), which meant, of course, another move (TEXAS--cause everything's bigger in Texas!), and for our family, another surprise baby, a 4th little girl!

A year here, a year there, babies all born in different states, tends to be the life of a military family. And although it can be fun and exciting to see and experience new people and places, it can also be exhausting and disruptive to be hopping around from place to place, and living in a constant state of resettlement. Finally, however, it looks like we're going to have a little regularity and consistency in our lives, at least in the moving department. We just found out that we will be stationed for 3 years where we are currently living and own our home. Hurray for good news! The girls will be able to stay in their same school, and go to the same church, and have a lot of those other stabilizing factors that are so good for children.

With that all said, I'm going to bring this little rant back to my earlier question: who am I besides a mother to my children, and a wife to my military man? What is there, if anything, about me that sets me apart from others, that makes me special, that I am proud to call "me" or my own? It's a good question, isn't it? The answer is, I don't really know anymore, because my days are so consumed being a wife, and a mother, but . . . I'm determined to find out. I want to rekindle the inner woman hidden inside me. I don't think my pursuit will require a great deal of effort or even time. I think more than anything, it's a state of mind, a way of viewing myself, clarity of perception. So, more than anything, it'll just require a bit of thought and pondering--time spent remembering who I was, and modifying that with how I've changed over the years.

This is what I know so far that gives me peace and security: I know that I am a daughter of my Father in Heaven and that He loves me. I have a Savior who died for me and who lives for me now. I have two wonderful earthly parents who raised me well, who also love and support me. I am also blessed with 7 brothers and sisters who will always have my back, although distance and time separate us. I have great in-laws, and extended family, who also care about me. And, although I am quite terrible at maintaining friendships these days, I do have a hand full of amazing people that I consider great friends. Last, but not least, we can't forget my 4 beautiful and creative daughters, who although they can be challenging at times, love me and look up to me for comfort, and guidance.

All in all, I'm a pretty lucky girl, who is very blessed. There's just that little part of me that desires a touch more pride and confidence in my own abilities and accomplishments. I don't need to be a famous author, talk show host, super mom, amazing blogger, or even a u-tube celebrity, I just desire that added bit of satisfaction that I am who I want to be, and that I'm doing enough, well enough. It's a feeling that's already starting to come slowly, and gaining a little strength each day. I think I mostly have my Heavenly Father to thank for that. I've shared with Him my feelings of insecurity, and my desire to feel a greater sense of accomplishment and pride in my everyday life, and He has responded to my prayers with a feeling of peace and gentle encouragement. I love prayer! Iit's SO amazing what a few simple words expressed heavenward, while on one's knees, can bring to pass. And . . . I think I'll close this blog post on that uplifting and positive note. 'Till next time . . . (expect pictures, for REAL this time!)